The Waitress
"Could you please repeat that?" Caitlin's heart hammered against her ribcage; cold sweat clinging to her skin like toxin invading her body.
"We just do not think you are qualified enough. For a respectable company like ours, we are expecting more experience, and judging from your part time jobs, particularly your current ones, our president simply does not believe-"
Caitlin threw her phone at the ground in a fit of fury, ripping her resume into shreds. How many more? How many more times will rejections come flying at her like the arrows of despair? How many more times must she be told to stay within the dinghy restraints of the old bar?
***
Alexander Wright. That's what his name was; or so she had heard. A fully fledged businessman at the mere age of 25, soon to be the CEO of some company that was rising quickly in importance. He held a dignified air about him, Caitlin noticed as she nodded absent mindedly in approval. Reliable, was what she would call it.
The brown, wooden walls enclosed her as she collected the dirty plates from another table, filled with the leftovers no one had considered worth eating.
She stole a glance at the beautifully designed business card that was passed between the two men, her eyes widened as she saw the company's name.
It was precisely the company that she always dreamt of working for, no matter how hard she had to grovel at their feet for, licking the dirt off their shoes. It was the exact same company that had rejected her .... how many times... she couldn't even remember.
Irritated, she stormed away from that private little booth, infuriated by her own incapability. What made her so different from all the other employed chemists; she really couldn't understand.
By the age of 30, she had dreamt to be working as a biochemist, or perhaps a forensic chemist even. She had imagined finding herself a husband, having her own house, her own car. Anything but this, her inner consciousness screamed, trapped in the bars of the restaurant, serving sleazy old men who reached out at every chance to stroke her buttocks.
"Caitlin! I'm ready to order," a familiar voice called.
Caitlin walked over to her with a small smile, following the sounds of her voice as it led her to Sylvia Stone, or as she was better known as by society, a musical genius.
Sylvia Stone was one of the few women Caitlin admired, as her passion for music had never died away even as age took away the innocence of the music she composed. Yes, she admired her, but at the same time, she couldn't help but loathe her being able to achieve what will forever remain to be a dream.
Sylvia Stone was yet another reminder of her incapabilities.
A smile forced its way upon her face as she bid the final customer farewell, his appetite satisfied with the stench of oil as he sauntered his way down the narrow aisle. Caitlin looked upon him in disgust; the way he had leered at her had not gone unnoticed. Seething, she burned holes into his back as he struggled to fit his heaving stomach through the door.
"It's time to pack up, Caitlin," the manager reminded her, turning the key in the old cash register.
Caitlin fought back a heavy sigh, as she was reminded of the mountains of rejected applications piling up on her desk. She knew that no matter where she ran to, she would be a fly that didn't know how to die.
Author's note: Suspiciously, exactly 600 words. This is the first time I've written something on the spot in 30 or so minutes... but I hope you guys enjoy reading it. I have a feeling that the link to the stimulus isn't very clear... but it was defined in my head. :) Anyway, happy reading. :)
Grammar! A semi colon simply separates and links two sentences, so whatever comes after it should make sense if the semi colon had been a full stop instead. Sorry it's just the first line kinda caught me. Don't worry I do that as well haha. :) in that situation, use a comma. I like how you repeated the "how many more" phrase. It really emphasises that anguish she's feeling.
ReplyDeleteUh, very Alicia suggestion - use 'That was his name' rather than 'That's what his name was.' Ignore that one if you want, it's more of a personal stylistic choice. Actually it depends on voice; more anger, go with the latter. Name the company maybe?
A few notes on Caitlin, I think that you should have mentioned her by name a little at the start of the second part because I was a little confused by who was glaring at this Alexander chap. From the manner you described the bar (and its creeps...) in question, I'm curious as to why such high well-to-do businessmen happen to venture into such a bar.
It's a very interesting story! And I quite like your concept. :) BUT - and I'm just being a harsh critic (probably because I'm so tired) - you need to consider developing Caitlin as a realistic character. You introduced a lot of ideas into her personality in the form of extreme self hate and resentment of others (which is terrible in a person D:) but sometimes they don't seem necessary or relevant and you could have instead cut them out and expanded on some more important points which would really deepen her existence as someone tangible. Sorry AAAH I even hate myself for what I'm typing.
Kat, your ideas are brilliant, you just need to work on how to portray this in the most effective way for your reader to empathise and understand the situation. Basically, decide what to cut and what to keep. For example, Sylvia wasn't entirely necessary if you chose to focus on Caitlin's dream job and go deeper on reasons for her failure instead of reiterating triggers for her depression. Or you could have started with Sylvia and developed their relationship (which seriously has got to be more complicated if you give me paradoxical love hate like you did) through conversation and small nuances or actions that show rather than tell *underline UNDERLINE*.
Haha and some little grammatical mistakes, don't worry we all make them. :)
On a further negative note, yes, I agree that you could have been clearer with the stimulus. But considering how difficult a stimulus it was, I still think you incorporated the theme really well into your story through Cat's psyche.
This is long. Am I the only person who ever critiques anymore? *shifty look* Now to the positives! THERE WERE NONE! HAHAHAHAHA NO I'm just kidding.
In its entirety I think it was marvellously incepted and carried out, albeit the slight blemishes from minor grammar issues. I think I made it seem worse than it actually is by far because I ranted on and I'm sleepy and I get really critical when I'm sleepy. So sorry! I should write another review when I'm awake. It was as if I could almost hear the voice of Cake speaking through me about nuances and 3D believable characters as I read it.
Please, take my criticism, but do not take it too heavily to heart. Message to all: GRAMMAR.
Alicia the Sleepy Evil Critic is done. Feel free to consult me for a translation of any of the above into daytime English. And also to admonish me for being so rude (or even for being a hypocrite and making tons of mistakes in this review). :)