He inhaled deeply the serene air coupled with
delicate redolence of flowers at Sydney Harbour National Park with the corners
of his mouth turned upwards, forming deep wrinkles on his coarse face. Today must be a magnificent day, with an
azure sky above me! He exclaimed, although he had never seen colours
before. ‘Azure’ was the colour of the sky people described to him.
His walking cane leaned next to a tree while
he ran his fingers down the intricately carved grooves of his violin, with a
blissful smile hanging on his face. Gently placing the violin beneath his chin,
the usual familiar smell of mahogany and home surrounded him, creating
relaxation for him at this foreign environment. He placed his fingers at the
worn spots on the fretboard, where countless hours of fingering for notes
caused the lacquer to thin, exposing the rich varnish beneath. As he drew the
bow across the stings, small wisps of rosin float lazily above the instrument
while mellifluent melody and dulcet rhythm of Canon in D by Pachelbel pours
forth from the violin’s hollow body.
He closed his eyes. But it was not dark. This
was the only instant where he could see the world full of colour that he
imagined how they should be. A warm breeze swept past him. The notes around him
fluttered and danced joyfully in the wind along with the music, and he would sit
on the chartreuse grass, smiling from deep within his heart and charily
observing his children’s facial features and expressions while they are
playing. That was his precious instant in the wind.
The soothing song ended softly but his world
of colours continued resonating in his head.
Author's notes:
283 words, which is very very short! This piece conveys my love towards violin despite the fact that i have no clue how to play it... Anyways, sorry for being really late!
Please criticise and recommend more sophisticated words I could replace.
Hallo!
ReplyDeleteI see you've been using that list of words. ;)
To start, I think it's a really good idea that you've decided on for this one, but sometimes it got a little confusing. In terms of the man imagining colours, there's heaps of debate on whether a person born colour-blind (which I'm thinking is what you wrote about...right...?) actually has the capability to imagine what colours are like, having never experienced it. The human mind is pretty incredible, but I don't know. :/
Ah, you confused me with the italicked line, because I thought it was his thoughts, but then you wrote "he exclaimed" which is more of a verbal thing. ummm, with "inhaled deeply" it sounded a bit strange; maybe try to show that it was a deep inhale, rather than using the word "deeply" because it kind of stutters the sentence a bit.
Okay! Violin terminology! :) I'm a cellist, so I can't really, but they're similar. For violins, violas, cellos, double basses, it's "fingerboard" rather than "fretboard" which is more guitars, mandolins, ukeleles and stuff. Lacquer is a type of varnish...so you can keep your "rich varnish beneath" phrasing by implying there's more than one layer of lacquer, and the top one is thinning.
More boring grammar stuff, the form of mellifluent you should use is "mellifluous melody". Also normally we just say Pachelbel's Canon in D, but that's more your choice than mine haha. And, "in this foreign environment" rather than "at" - the rule for this situation is, I think, because the "familiar smell of mahogany and home SURROUNDED him" which subsequently means you say "in" instead of "at". I don't know. Making rules up. Also, I'm wondering about "charily observing" because it means cautiously observing. I'm not sure if that's what you're going for, in a scene that seems more light and happy... Be careful with tense, as it seems you're writing in past tense, and you say "while they are playing", so maybe rather "whilst they were..." or "as.."
I like how you used all the big colour-y words for a colour blind man. There's a distinguishing sense of desire to see the colours from his knowledge of hue diction; it draws out an almost meticulous manner in the way he memorises and knows the nice colours that people use to describe things. In trying to understand others and to SEE it, his colour blindness acting as a barrier to belonging results in a more subtle segregation as reflected in his conscious mannerisms. As in, most of us, we take colours for granted, so we don't really care what they're called - but he (who has not been named ehehe) takes so much effort in knowing that 'azure' was the colour of the sky, and "chartreuse grass" because he wants to be like us, that it separates him more.
It's so tragic! asdlfkjalskdfj
I also like how you focused on his different senses, and how a sort of enhancement in his aural, touch, olfactory senses juxtaposes against his singular deficiency to make it...not as bad, but also sort of pointing it out to the audience.
Ahh I'm so sad now. Your legacy for sad tragic stories continues. At least he didn't die this time haha.
- to be continued! -
- continued -
ReplyDeleteBrilliant ambiguity at the end! It's an amazing idea that you've epitomised through all the contrasting imagery.
Honestly, I feel like I'm more harsh when reading yours than Jennifer's... :( but honestly you both have really great concepts and write it so differently to how normal boring people would write it! Seriously, your 283 words opens an entirely different window into this kind of world. You focused more on how the persona DOES connect with society, rather than how he doesn't - and that is a really nice way of approaching it. Rather than the more quintessential or trite way of alienating the audience into submission and acknowledgement of the protagonist's divergence from society, it actually allows the audience to empathise with him, in the process realising the deficiencies and flaws of the character.
On your sophisticated word use, sometimes it really depends on your story. For example, if you're writing a calmer, more laidback kind of slow-pace story, it's fine to aim for something simpler, with maybe a few more complex words to keep the pace going. The same applies for faster stories sometimes. I don't know. I really shouldn't criticise haha - my control of pace is awful. Everything always sounds dreary and surreal. Even the war stories I write are just pretty much in the mind and really slow.
asldfkj you guys. such great writers :')
"asldfkj you guys. such great writers :')"
ReplyDeleteAlicia?!?! Selina?!?! You guys can write so well I honestly am tempted to go and bury myself in a hole right now. (Why did I almost write 'whole write now'?! My brain must not be working)
Just by reading the stories it's obvious that my vocab is excessively limited - Selina I had to have dictionary.com open and using it intensely throughout your story. Excessively limited vocab on my part. May I ask HOW you guys have managed to know so many colours?! I found the picture that Chris was talking about at brain - Selina were you there?
http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/20500000/Male-vs-Female-colors-random-20558616-500-526.jpg
honestly my 'hue diction' is limited to that of a guy's.
Also both of your creatives always convey a sense of significant intellectual amplitude - in reflecting what you know about the things you're interested in. Alicia you wrote about flying - Selina you wrote about violins! I'm just a boring thing that lives under a rock that doesn't know anything about the world around me :(