The gentle wind brought the fragrance of blooming pink
lilies growing from the lake along and caressed her wrinkly face to smear the
silver tear that glistened in the corned of her eye away. The chirping of the
birds and the rustling sounds of leaves echoed in her ears as her vision began
to clear. The lady is here again, at Centennial Park, sitting on this isolated brown
bench covered with bits of dull red leaves, holding the pink orchid with its
pedals that once felt like soft velvet, that once symbolised their eternal
love. Waiting.
The pure white orchid attached to the little girl’s silky black hair
caught her attention. The girl scampers along the lake and hummed a peaceful melody with
the ruffles on her pink velvet dress flowing with the wind, forming a nostalgic
image in front of the lady's eyes. A strong gush of icy wind blew the white orchid on
her hair into the lake, forming ripples on the still water.
Beside the little girl, a middle-aged man was kneeling down on one knee
and handing a bundle of blossoming pink orchids to a woman. The woman’s face
shone with happiness. They gazed at each other with tender affection and shared
a vision of the future that no one will interfere.
Watching them was like watching her past flashing before her eyes. These
memories surged her emotions like a tempest. The voice of his unachieved
promises echoed in her head, “Wait for me, I’ll be back for you.” So she
waited, and waited, for 5, 10, 20 years, everyday she sat on this bench,
holding the pink orchid he once gave her but long withered. Waiting…
- White orchids symbolise innocence
- Pink orchids is the gift for 14th wedding anniversary
292 words. A rather short creative, I'll try doing my prison creative some other day. Hope you'll enjoy it and please point out any problems with my grammar, especially with my expressions. Thx!
D: I said that white orchids were for the 14th anniversary instead of pink.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to be so amazed the day you write a love story that doesn't involve the man leaving her for 20 years or any form of eternal sadness like that hahaha.
ReplyDeleteBit of a weird typo with 'corned' instead of 'corner'.
Sometimes you have a little discontinuity with tense, for example in "The girl scampers along the lake..." it's in present tense, but then you switch to past with "hummed a...".
Your story is very orchids, orchids everywhere! which isn't a bad thing, it's a GOOD thing because you're incorporating the stimulus! :D That's just a random comment.
It is short! But I like how seeing the other people in the park reminds her of her sad life. However, you might want to sort of expand on it somehow? It just seems a bit brief and unexplained as to why she feels this, e.g. why this girl forms a nostalgic image.
Ohh and I just realised this, why pink lilies? Whilst we're on floriography, and relating to my earlier comment, I read somewhere that white orchids also symbolise pure affection or pure love. I think that's why it's really annoying to do flower stories because there are lots of different interpretations and I read it differently before I read your author's note. Also, since pink orchids are for the 14th anniversary, why would this man have given her a pink orchid if they weren't married? Or...did they marry for 14 years and he left? It just seems conflicting. Or was that your intention?
Brilliant cyclic structure, in a loose sense of it! How you started with waiting and ended with waiting, even though that seems like the past 20 years of her life haha; it does a very good job of emphasising that repetition and inability to escape this waiting. Nice description that suits the melancholy and empty despair of her solitude. :)
Expressions! I think generally your expressions are fine - just sometimes there are a few phrases that sound funny like "her wrinkly face" but that might just be me thinking a wrinkly face is funny... The introduction of the little girl, minor thing, 'a' little girl instead of 'the' little girl.
I feel like I'm picking on the tiniest details now. :/ Honestly, it seems like a really nice heartfelt story which still manages to be sad in a resounding sort of way. It actually works being so short. It's the type of the story that I feel is in great danger of waffling or being overly romantic and dull if you waffle on (like I do). So in sticking to the short and sweet, it's brilliantly done.
First thing first, your name is same as mine! Hahaha, lol :D
ReplyDeleteI really like this. Short, but really sweet... yet touchy. Simple story. I only could say, nice job. Keep writing and always improve your stories to be better :D
Good luck~